Tiny Deaths
The World Cup Final has just gone into extra time as I write. I’m not watching it. I got online having jumped on the train and I just thought I’d check the score. 2-2. The final is being described as ‘gripping, thrilling, stunning, jaw-dropping’. Jeez I am really missing out. It’s everything you want from sport. Drama, thrills, swings back and forth, heroes, and an unpredictable finish.
I’m not watching it. I’ve missed a lot of this world cup on purpose. I’m working on giving up what I like. I expect that sounds weird or even insane. But I am. And it’s not bloody easy. It’s hard to give up what you like. You know. Each time I say no to an internet video, or a cup of tea or a cookie|biscuit, it’s like a tiny Death.
By reinforcing and clinging on to the things I like, (and) the things that define ‘me’, I realize I’m reinforcing the idea of ‘me’. The reason I’m doing this detachment process is, I’m at a time in my life where I’m really doing my best to undermine the idea of ‘me.’ I’ve found that ‘me’ has generally caused me a whole bunch of trouble and I’m not sure I need it anymore.
So I have been doing my best to detach myself from my likes. I have been frequently (and often spectacularly) failing. In a way I have been doing this on a slow-boil since I got my new life nearly twenty years ago, with some things gradually dropping off over time; but in another way I’ve more recently been doing my best to detach in a more focused, committed, urgent way. And for the record I’ve been frequently (and sometimes spectacularly) failing. Did I mention that?
These tiny deaths represent my efforts to kill off the supply of stimuli to my sense of self, the specific stimuli & attachments it has accumulated to help me enjoy life. I guess one way to put it is: I’m working on enjoying life without any stimuli, just for its own sake. I’m doing pretty well right now. I can sit on a bench for hours and be really content|happy. Although other times I’m angry at my stupid phone and I know I have a long way to go.
I’ve taken the liberty of developing (yes) a powerpoint slide (you’re welcome) showing my progression in jettisoning my (attachments to) my likes. The arrows represent time. My goal is that this slide is at least in the top half (in terms of interest-level) of all the powerpoint slides you’ve ever seen. (BTW it’s 3-3 with a few mins of extra time left - a real classic!) Please note: I used Powerpoint’s default blue.
With some of these points it’s not so much ‘giving up’; it’s more ‘detaching’. I still have a lot of fondness for my friends from my old life, for example. I didn’t ‘give them up.’ But once my new life started thousands of miles away it wasn’t easy to keep in touch and we drifted apart, and the detachment happened naturally. In other areas, it is more about actively giving up – for example, cakes & pastries – my one fatal weakness. Well one of them…. Um I made a slide about it.
Argentina have won on penalties and it’s an ‘incredible unforgettable final.’ It is, somewhat fittingly for my purposes, ‘one of the greatest moments in football history.’ Some are saying: ‘I don't think I'll ever see anything like it again.’ I have really, REALLY missed out. Well my self has. But I haven’t. I’m good. (But I couldn’t resist checking the score.) And I’m glad for the spectators it was such a great final.
They must have enjoyed a lot of stimulation.
